Top 20 Doug Benson One-Liners
Even if you’re not really the “type” for slurred, often-marijuana-centric humor, you can’t deny Doug Benson’s downright hilariousness. (Some fantastic slow-delivery comedians come to mind — paging Mitch Hedberg!)
Benson has perfected the art of short-snippit comedy on the VH1 show “Best Week Ever,” but it’s his standup one-liners that have given him such a fast-growing fan base.
Here are just 20 of Doug Benson’s best one-liners:
- My answering machine says, “I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m either on stage or having sex. So I’ll call you back in 45 minutes or in 30 seconds.”
- Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.
- I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in “arch.”… In in years that have an Olympics.
- They have a saying in Seattle: If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes, and then shoot yourself in the face.
- I was on the toilet for so long the other day, I finally said to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
- People ask me who I’m gonna vote for for president. I always tell them “that is my personal business, and because he’s black.”
- I got HIV, but don’t worry. I still have to draw four more Scrabble letters.
- I’m always coming up with slogans for companies, and then not sharing them. Like you know that supermarket chain Whole Foods? I came up with a great slogan for them: “Whole Foods. For your food hole.”
- Banking is scary right now, so I came up with a new slogan for Bank of America that reflects the scariness of the times: “B of A. B very of A.”
- I want to make a movie that’s based on “The Dark Knight,” but it’s called “The Dank Knight.” And in my movie, I’m gonna play a character who fights crime by staying at home and minding my own business.
- I think it’s a good thing that emotional scars are invisible. Because if emotional scars were visible, porn would be disgusting.
- It’s great to be here on this Fergulicious occasion. I just a new word-a-day calendar and I like to use that day’s word in a sentence. Today’s word is occasion, so I feel pretty good about that one.
- I’m no scientist but I think secondhand smoke has been overhyped. My mom smokes cigarettes all through my childhood and look how I flem-flammel-lammel [sic].
- I like to go to foreign films when I’m high, because I like to read out loud.
- I don’t like walking around with change in my pocket because then I have to spend all day lying to homeless people.
- The participants in an AIDS run would probably break records if they were actually running from AIDS.
- I would never put a roofie in a woman’s drink. … I would crumble it into her food.
- I could never give a woman a roofie, because when I’m having sex with her, I want her to be able to (laughs) … struggle.
- When it comes to the ladies, I’m really into T and A. Tattoos and abortions!
- I went to a sexual-harassment seminar recently. So now I think I’m gonna be pretty good at it.
BONUS: Did you guys know ginormous is a word now? It’s a Ginormous shouldn’t be a word, it should be a secret code phrase used exclusively by gynaecologists. “Hey Bill, how was your last patient?” …. “GINORMOUS!”